Thursday, July 29, 2010
Today I should be writing about my 3 beautiful children and all the joy they bring me. I should be sharing photos of our vacation and the sweet memories of our trip. Today I should be posting all the cute and loving stories I have started for my blog. I really want to finish them, but some days I am just stuck. Stuck in the past and I hate that.
Today I want to hide out in my bedroom and forget about the world of responsibilities. I want to keep the blinds closed, and the phones off...I want, I want, I want...*sigh*.
A little over two years ago my life was introduced to a great sadness, and it has kept me company most days ever since.
No one died, yet I still grieve.
I don’t mean to be mysterious, or then again maybe I do. Maybe I am ashamed, or I have too much pride to write all the details of my heartache. I think to myself, “it’s been 2 years, it’s time to get over it”…but I can’t, I just try to get through it.
Some days are good, they are honest, they are happy and I am present…I love those days; I wish I had more of them. Most days, I pretend and pretending makes me so tired. However, days like today are my combo days... days filled with sweet moments that pass to quickly, moments of pretence, moments of honesty and then there’s the sad moments. These tend to take up most of the day. These moments are between me and God, sometimes my bf and now you.
I debated as to whether I should post this. I’m still debating! ;)
Will sharing this part of me really help? I don’t know, we’ll see.
I know God has a purpose for my life and ‘pretending’, is not part of that purpose.
I want to let go of all this hurt and pain. I want to hit the STOP button on the sad movie that replays in my heart and mind, over and over again. I want to open the blinds and let the SON shine in. I want to be honest and helpful to others... I want, I want, I want….*sigh*
...and so today I find myself HERE.
Here, behind the screen.
Here, where I am a little stronger.
Here, where I won’t pretend.