Thursday, July 29, 2010

Here...



Today I should be writing about my 3 beautiful children and all the joy they bring me. I should be sharing photos of our vacation and the sweet memories of our trip. Today I should be posting all the cute and loving stories I have started for my blog. I really want to finish them, but some days I am just stuck. Stuck in the past and I hate that.



Today I want to hide out in my bedroom and forget about the world of responsibilities. I want to keep the blinds closed, and the phones off...I want, I want, I want...*sigh*.


A little over two years ago my life was introduced to a great sadness, and it has kept me company most days ever since.




No one died, yet I still grieve.


I don’t mean to be mysterious, or then again maybe I do. Maybe I am ashamed, or I have too much pride to write all the details of my heartache. I think to myself, “it’s been 2 years, it’s time to get over it”…but I can’t, I just try to get through it.


Some days are good, they are honest, they are happy and I am present…I love those days; I wish I had more of them. Most days, I pretend and pretending makes me so tired. However, days like today are my combo days... days filled with sweet moments that pass to quickly, moments of pretence, moments of honesty and then there’s the sad moments. These tend to take up most of the day. These moments are between me and God, sometimes my bf and now you.


I debated as to whether I should post this. I’m still debating! ;)


Will sharing this part of me really help? I don’t know, we’ll see.


I know God has a purpose for my life and ‘pretending’, is not part of that purpose.


I want to let go of all this hurt and pain. I want to hit the STOP button on the sad movie that replays in my heart and mind, over and over again. I want to open the blinds and let the SON shine in. I want to be honest and helpful to others... I want, I want, I want….*sigh*


...and so today I find myself HERE.


Here, behind the screen.


Here, where I am a little stronger.


Here, where I won’t pretend.



6 comments:

  1. Big Hugs.

    Sometimes you have to have those quiet days...and you have to hurt and ache...in order to heal.

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  2. Today I finished Brennan Mannings's book "The Furious Longing of God." May I suggest it to you? Thank you for your transparency; even those of us who don't know you personally are praying for you to the One Who does know everything.

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  3. Thank you for your sweet comments, your cyber hugs,prayers and book suggestion. Ginger I googled the book and I think I will love it...I'll let you know...thanks again.

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  4. Stephannee,
    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and saying hi! I always love meeting new friends out here in the world of the cybernet and blogging, especially those women who share the same love for the Lord! Through the blood of Jesus Christ we are "connected" in a whole new way!

    Your words and blog are beautiful. As someone rather new to blogging, here are my 2 cents of encouragement.....only look to God for your validation and approval. Here in blogland there can be a bit of disappointment (sorry, it only comes from a woman who too, sometimes feels scared to share all of my emotions and inter-turmoil with an "unknown" audience.) But I am constantly reminded by God Himself, that i am writing for an audience of one...Him. He is all that matters. He is the only one who truly brings me lasting comfort, and He is the only one who will take the rain and bring the sun, showing us the rainbow along the way.

    I pray for the SON to shine so brightly today in your heart. Thank you for sharing it. Know that your heart is safely tucked within mine, as a sister in the Lord, and I will bring you to the throne of grace!

    I look forward to stopping back and hope to stay for awhile!

    In Christ's abundant love,
    Stacy

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  5. Sending a hug and some sunshine to your blue cup Stephanie! I usually find when I have a down day the next one is better!

    I'm enjoying reading your blog....and look forward to more posts...good or bad, happy or sad!
    with love
    diana x

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